Studies show 8 in 6 now herpes-positive
BRISBANE: Mar. 11
Queensland Health has published a shocking new report about sexual health in Australian adults, which claims that now, according to statistics, eight out of every six Australians are now herpes-positive.
Dr. Julio Sanchez of the Mater hospital Brisbane said the results of the study are not surprising. “If you look at STI and STD trends over the past few years, the instance of infected individuals has been steadily rising since 1999. Back then, the statistic we had was one out of every eight Australian adults. In 2001, that number was one in six. In 2004, it was one in four. In 2005, it became one in two. Now, as we reach 2007, who can be surprised that that number has now reached eight in six, or, one in one, with two in six Australian adults now showing signs of superherpes.”
Superherpes, although only a recent discovery, has spread quickly enough that people become confused when their doctor informs them of their condition, not realising that a new strain of herpes had been discovered. Doctors are now urging people to read up about the new disease, and get as informed as they possibly can even before the government starts airing the public service announcement commercials in three weeks’ time. So, for your convenience, we have compiled a field guide to superherpes.
A FIELD GUIDE TO SUPERHERPES
Symptoms
Superherpes is similar in appearance to herpes simplex 2, in that clusters of itchy sores appear on the affected area and usually heal without scarring within a couple of weeks. The difference between herpes simplex 2 and superherpes is that the itching sensation is a lot more intense, and the sores are a lot bigger. Also, the sores move around independently of each other on the body, so a sore that started out on the inner thigh can move itself to the feet or the shoulder within a day. It should also be noted that the sores never move when they are being watched. For this reason, the disease was nicknamed the Bugs Bunny virus in early stages of research, due to the fact that it stopped moving when watched, and its ability to rapidly multiply.
How it spreads
Superherpes is spread in the same way as regular herpes. You should know the method by which herpes is transmitted from your high school sex education classes. In case you don’t remember, here’s a refresher course, providing you with the knowledge you should have gained at your school.
Public high school: You catch sex diseases from fucking. You should probably take precautions. What precautions? Shit, I don’t know. I only get one paycheck for teaching eight subjects, and I sure as hell don’t get paid any more for teaching you little shits how not to get sex diseases. Find out yourself. I don’t care how. Go for trial and error. Just fuck as many of your classmates as you can. Wanna buy some pot?
Non-denominational private school: Herpes is transmitted by skin contact with an infected individual, or by sharing objects that have come into direct contact with an infected area of an infected individual, for example, sharing chapstick or a towel with an infected person. What was that? No, this won’t be on the test, you can ignore what I just said.
Catholic private school: Sexually transmitted diseases are born from impurities in the soul. Thinking impure sexual thoughts, masturbation, and saying your rosary incorrectly can lead to Chlamydia, herpes simplex 1 and 2, and gonorrhea. More serious sexual diseases, such as HIV, AIDS and Syphilis, are transmitted through premarital sex. Homosexual thoughts and acts result in instant death. This does not count homosexual pedophilia. That’s ok. Remember kids, you can and will catch crabs from using condoms.
Home school: Sex? I ain’t teaching you about no sex. Shut yer corn hole and peel up them taters.
How it is treated
Handy hint, boys and girls: once you have herpes, you’ve got it for life. Whoops. Should have been more careful, huh? Oh well, not to worry. Herpes has little impact on your life, unless you count the itching sensation from the lesions which, from time to time, appear on the shaft of your penis, your thighs, arse cheeks, anus, pubis, clitoris or labia. Oh, also, there’s the urinal discomfort and occasional genital discharge which happen five times a year for a couple of weeks. Superherpes works a little differently. Not only do you have the disease for life, but also after you die and beyond the grave. Lesions can be burned off by a professional by use of expensive laser therapy, or, if you can’t afford laser therapy, you can achieve a similar effect with a zippo and a series of mirrors.
How to avoid superherpes
Superherpes is transmitted through skin-to-skin contact with an infected individual, or by coming into contact with an object that has had contact with an infected individual. Since you cannot be sure who is infected and who is not, you should start suspecting everyone around you. Start wearing a wetsuit and gloves everywhere you go. Shave your head and wear a swimming cap. Wear ski goggles at all times. Do not use public restrooms. It would also be beneficial to quit your job, cut off contact with all your friends and seal yourself in a plastic bubble in your house or apartment.
How to lie to your friends about your superherpes
You must not, under any circumstances, admit to your friends, even your most trusted friends, that you have superherpes. Remember, your friends are backstabbing gossipers, and will betray you at the drop of a hat. Not only that, they could use the information to blackmail you later. Lastly, imagine if one of your friends told you that they had an STI. Pretty funny, right? You can’t keep a joke like that all to yourself. It’d be selfish. You have to tell everyone you know.
How to lie to your partner about having superherpes
The thing to realise about relationships is that once two people are in a relationship for a long time, a strong bond of mutual trust develops between them, making it really easy to lie and get away with it. Use this to your advantage. If your partner suspects or accuses you of contracting superherpes, your first option is to tell the truth. Do not, under any circumstances, tell the truth to your partner. If your partner discovers you have an STI, he/she will probably break up with you. Think about it. If your partner told you that he/she had an STI, you’d break up with him/her, right? Damn right you would.
Your second option is to try the old lines. You never know, they might just work. Lines like, “It’s just a cold sore… on my crotch”, “don’t worry, it’s just acne”, “I have chicken pox”, “I’m turning myself into a living connect-the-dots puzzle”. If your partner is an idiot, which he/she should be so you can be the ‘smart one’ in the couple, he/she will believe this and let it go.
If all else fails, try turning the situation around. If your long-time partner suspects you have superherpes, and asks you about it, tell him/her that you could only have caught it from one place. Squint at your partner and ask him/her if he/she has superherpes. Your partner will soon drop the subject. Eventually, in the course of events, you will infect your partner with superherpes. After this has happened, he/she will tell you about it, since he/she is probably more honest than you. Act surprised and accuse him/her of cheating.
If all those lies still don’t fool your partner, and he/she still wants to press the issue, he/she is probably a bastard/bitch for pressing the issue so much, and you should probably break up. Once you break up, you don’t have to lie about having superherpes. Still, you probably should. Tell your partner you have superherpes, and multiple other STIs. Tell him/her that you have had these for some time. Tell him/her to get him/herself tested for HIV. This should freak your ex-partner out, and make him/her paranoid until he/she finally gets the test done. This period of extreme paranoia coupled with the fact that HIV tests cost a pretty penny will make sure you get the last laugh from the relationship.
For real, serious advice on dealing with STIs and STDs, please contact these authorities in your country:
Australia: http://www.health.qld.gov.au/sexhealth/
America: http://www.hhs.gov/
Canada: http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/
United Kingdom: http://www.dh.gov.uk/
New Zealand: Bad luck, buddy.